At a Thursday press conference in the relaxed DC head quarters of the Trump Cyborg Replacement Committee (TCRC), Democratic Presidential Candidates Hilary Clinton and Bernie Sanders revealed that Republican hopeful Donald Trump was actually a cyborg sent to destroy the Republican Party.
“Back in 2009, when the Tea Party began to gain steam, we noticed a growing divide inside the Republican Party,” explained Clinton as she sipped a beer. “It was then that we realized the potential to use a cyborg to exacerbate this and create a schism within the party, and after years of careful study we decided that Trump would be the perfect candidate for cyborg replacement.”
“Exactly,” continued Sander, who also enjoyed a frothy beverage. “You see cyborg replacement is usually tricky as it’s difficult to create realistic looking human skin and hair, but with Trump there was no such issue as he already resembles an overgrown Oompa Loompa wearing a golden retriever for a hat. Human or not, no one was going to know the difference.”
At this point Sanders and Clinton paused to clink bottles and high five.
When asked why they chose to reveal their elaborate scheme now, the pair only shrugged. “Even with us explaining what’s happening its unlikely Republicans will listen.”
Clinton’s cavalier attitude seems to be correct as Conservative news pundits Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh were quick to take to the air denouncing the TCRC as another feeble attempt by the Democratic Party to take credit for Republican genius.
“At this point the plan is in full swing,” grinned Sanders. “Nothing can stop it.”
Earlier this week both former Vice President Dick Cheney and House Speaker Paul Ryan criticized Trump, each condemning his rhetoric and saying that it was not representative of the Republican Party. Sanders elaborated that they only expected the schism to widen as Republican leadership was forced to deal with the fact that a large percentage of its constituents do, indeed, agree with Trump’s bigoted rhetoric.
However, not all members of the TCRC shared Clinton and Sander’s smug satisfaction with the plan. A key member of the Committee, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed anxieties over just how well it was working.
“It’s been too easy,” she said in hushed tones in the back alleyway behind the TCRC head quarters. “We knew that a large portion of voters would glom onto Trump as he appeals to the white supremacy and xenophobia that the Republican Party has cultivated over the past fifty years, but none of us thought it would go this well. We keep thinking he’s going to peter out and we’ll be left with a Republican Party in shambles, but what if he doesn’t? He’s currently drawing swing voters and he’s getting no end of media attention. What if he actually ends up being the Republican Candidate? What if he wins the election? What if Trump is truly the future of the United States of America?”
The Committee member grew silent, staring off into the distance. A cool December wind swept through the alley and she drew her coat tighter around her body. “I have to go,” she said, glancing to the grey sky. “Winter is coming.”